06.16 at 6:16am
It’s a beautiful day to be breathing. Life in my lungs is an immense gift. Eye am another Year wiser and eye am thankful.
Ya girl been saving this blog post as a draft for a min. I felt like today, on the day eye am blessed to be born again, was the perfect time to share the dualities of my life with the true supporters of my intentions.
In life's duality, there must always be a balance. When you are out of balance, no one has to or will ever know unless you make it known, but never be afraid to connect and share the blessings that come from your lessons, because you never know who needs to hear and/or heal.
& there's someone out here that loves you enough to know what you're going through. you don't have to do everything alone, but you must be able to ask for help.
I was not operating out of this knowledge a few months ago and it started to show up in my life with some intention for sure...
well really, let’s start back in March.
End of March tried to take me out emotionally.
My life and circumstances had taken a toll on me and a huge shift. It's like I was being placed back at "square one" for some reason...My Thoughts: "is this a restart? obviously, i have been doing something wrong otherwise this would not be happening to me"...but i did what i could to remain as positive as i could with a balance of allowing myself to feel through my thoughts vs ignoring them. the shift was pretty drastic, but i am wind, so a little shift in the breeze ain't never hurt the girl, but when you are air, you must have some sense of grounding to keep you leveled.
April tried to take me out mentally.
I was trying to recover emotionally from this doubt and slight depression trying to get my ass in March. Instead of pushing through with positive intention, I insisted on living in a cycle of putting myself last and it was beginning to meet me halfway. my self-doubt was at an all time high, I couldn’t focus or paint...had to do oh so much for this upcoming and that event; what does this person and that person need, how will so and so feel if i dont follow through and get this done, im not really even completely sure if i have the inner g for this, but I'll push anyway…nowhere in here was there any ”me time“, no slow down inner g, and it began to really show.
boom. First wreck. April 6
If it wasn’t for tribe, I wouldn’t have made it... found myself leaving a friend's house that night, and I honestly didn't think i was not "too tired to drive", but ended up falling asleep at the wheel and side swiping the curb/sidewalk. Busted tire and rim, but an unharmed body and mind. GRATITUDE. got help rushed to my side right away, and got everything fixed next day....THE WAY I AM BLESSED IS BEYOND ME...
boom…second wreck. almost an exact week later. April 14.
THE ANGELS LITERALLY LOVE ME. I must have a purpose. I am protected.…on my way home again, same instance of power napping at the wheel. it was like .3 seconds hadn't even gone by and i was waking up to my car on the opposite side of the street after hitting a wall...alone this time, a stranger is there to help me when i come back to my senses...got rushed home by the "angel/stranger", just to have to deal with everything alone, and i know now that Spirit was making sure i knew i could depend on myself and Spirit only in time of need and especially during a time where my faith could have been a little bit stronger. I definitely felt like this wreck was a test of my faith cause baby, she took my car out, BUT NOT ME!
boom. ANOTHER WEEK LATER. It's now April 23rd.
Third wreck, not even in my car… WAKE UP CALL. thisssss was a dejavu moment. I'm in the passenger seat after a longggggggg ass event day. literally like 2am leaving this event I had been at since like 10am the day before, but again, I was not driving. So I fall asleep in the passenger seat for like 5 seconds, and boom. We getting hit head on, driver's side door/front of car...waking up out of a small haze of a nap brought me right back to my wreck just the week before. it was too familiar. falling asleep and then waking to an impulsive impact, and on top of that, my body had just finished recovering of soreness from my wreck just days before. in order to not panic, i had to tell my mind and body "you are ok. this is not happening to you again. you are not driving." it was definitely not something i thought i'd be going through, but it was just something to remind me that i needed to be sitting my ass down forreal.
After these life shifts coming at me like a wrecking ball (no pun intended lol), literally back to back, i was left in a period of reflection. i was now forced to do exactly what i had been avoiding: RESTING & ASKING FOR HELP.
Entering into a new month after everything that happened to me had me really on edge with the universe like "damn, ok. I know I have been clearly shown reasons to just be, but what about all the things I will neglect or not get done if I "just be and rest"... MAY WAS MANIFESTATION MAY BABY bc the way I was given time and space from the universe to literally just rest and let go of any expectations I had placed on myself was INTENTIONAL. I truly had to maintain a state of practice and training my brain to have a new and encouraging thinking pattern. Along with this new way of thinking, I had/have to make sure my actions are matching everything I am and say I want to be so that I was not ending up in the same loop of a pattern cause it was getting a little destructive before we got to this space.
Patiently pushing through May was still a challenge but was met with an extensive amount of grace from and to myself. I was easily reminded of the way my life could end up if I decided to continue living in a state of mistrust, and i definitely mean mistrusting myself. That's really how everything started...with a little mistrust in myself because I was putting my trust and drive for others before my own. In my reflection, I was able to see that this whole time I was trying to move and do "alone" in moments where I'm surrounded by people who truly love and support me and would hate to see me struggling and/or gone.
June has been a divine reminder of just being. I will continue to put myself first, although it is an everyday practice. Just at the beginning of the month, I finessed my way into a "dis-ease" in my body that was caused simply by the immense amount of stress I was putting on myself in relation to 'doing for others'. Because of everything I had just went through, i was able to quickly identify that i had done this to myself, and just as quickly, had it undone by self.
The power of your mind can end and/or start any cycle YOU choose, so choose wisely and with great attention to the "why", your true intention. In March, when life was throwing left hooks at my ass, I leaned into doubt and fear vs faith and knowing that this was only going to make me better. Gemini season has truly reminded me of my power and grace. I didn't really start telling everyone about my wrecks because I was slick ashamed that my life was spiraling because of my own thought patterns and self-doubt, but when I did start opening my mouth about it, I was met with tears. Tears of "omg Somijah, I don't know what I would do if I knew that or something worse happened to you.", and i don't know why, but a slight sense of shock came over me the first time i heard that response...I guess in the midst of my own negative thought patterns I failed to remember that I am loved, cared for, and looked out for by those that do or no not have any idea what is going on in my life. because of this, i strive to maintain in better communication with those that want to see me win because that's all i want for them too.
AND this is an interesting birthday because I'm officially going to live past my beloved brother, my bubba, my angel, whom I miss so mf much. I never thought I would go through something like that and not be able to call him immediately. During a phone call about all my wrecks, my bestfriend was on my ass and said "girl what is going on. you need to slow down and rest. what would Brandon be saying right now?", and to actually come out alive after 3 times is no coincidence or convenience. To know he def would've been on my ass helped keep me grounded and focused. To know he continues to watch, guide and protect me is a priceless feeling; truly unmatched.
ughhhhhhghghghghhghhhh! lol i can't believe i just typed all that! THANK YOU for actually reading all of that <3 it's hard to be vulnerable like this when everyone is used to seeing you "up" all the time
I JUST TYPED ALL THAT TO:
Get it off my chest & share my hurt-n-pain because it just might help somebody
Remind myself that my words and thoughts matter & have power
DOCUMENT THAT EYE AM ALIVE BC LIFE ACTUALLY TRIED TO KILL ME 3 TIMES
Remain in a state of sharing ALL my intentions, not just the good looking ones
Release the inner g of a painful memory turned to an abundant blessing + lesson
Encourage you to be still, Know God is God, and to ask for help
Remind you that you are loved and are NEVER alone
AS YOU START YOUR DAY TODAY, PLEASE KNOW EYE LOVE AND THANK YOU ALL FOR LOVING AND CARING FOR ME UP CLOSE & AFAR. To those that truly pray for me, your prayers kept me safe and alive. No part of me will ever downplay that. To look death in the eye so closely by losing someone so close to you and then almost losing yourself truly put my life into a new perspective. it's very clear I got work to do, so here's to pressing forward in balance, patience, and faith!
If you see me taking my time with my time, just know it took me a lot to even get here and create this space for myself, but now that I'm here, GET OUT MY WAY IF YOU NOT IN ALIGNMENT! Eye type that with immense love, and I hope you are able to tell someone and yourself the same if ever needed. That type of strength is the real "tough love"
Ase & divine light.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY & I'M ALIVE.
CELEBRATE WITH MEEEEEEE!
I am feeling NO sense of low/bad inner g today and for that EYE AM GRATEFUL
(who wanna take me out today lol?)